Tag Archives: perfection

learning to be fearless.

I am not what you would call “outdoorsy”. I like being outside, going for walks around the park, sitting by the waterfront with my book. But I’m not “outdoorsy”. I have come to accept this about myself and while many of my closest friends identify themselves this way, I do not.

For the past eight months, transformation, change, challenge, and discipline have been a part of my life in a big way. And it has been like nothing I have ever experienced. Much of it has come from a dear friend who has found a gentle way of pushing me out of my comfort zone. And that’s just it, I don’t like feeling uncomfortable. I don’t like change, I don’t like failing or looking foolish. I don’t like trying things I may not be good at. It’s this thing called Perfectionism and I’ve dealt with it for many years. I hold back on things that seem adventurous because I’m afraid of the unknown. I like structure, predictability, and control.

This friend of mine understands this about me and relates in many ways. In her understanding, she has found a way to convince me that trying some scary things would, in fact, be okay. This began with exercise. Crossfit. “YEAH RIGHT” was my response. There was no way. But somehow, I was getting up at 5:45am to work out in the garage of her & her husband’s house. It was HARD. I was ridiculously out of shape and it showed. Instead of feeling foolish and disappointed in myself, I chose to feel proud about a positive change. This of course was encouraged by the others at the “I Street Gym”, as we called it. And slowly, I was actually becoming stronger. Next was the food challenge- 21 days without sugars or grains. Again, “YEAH RIGHT”. But by the grace of God, I managed to get through that too and even continued most of the eating habbits. This was the most structured and disciplined I have ever been in eating well and exercising regularly. And I felt good! Imagine that!

Next, the gym. Join the crossfit gym. You can guess my response- it was a bit more like this, “HELL. NO.” This would be a place where I would surely be the only girl who is out of shape and unable to do the exercises. Plus, the trainer wanted us to take measurements every month. Yeah, not interested. But, something crazy inside me made me decide to try it. And in some strange way, I liked it. The exercises were incredibly challenging (and that is an understatement), but they were difficult for everyone. I wasn’t alone. I didn’t feel like a fool. I felt like I could actually hang with the rest of the gym rats. And soon, I found myself there 4-5 days a week. Crazy.

And then, hiking. People from the gym are going. Oh no. This is where I draw the line. I am not “outdoorsy”, remember? I will lift weights at the gym till the cows come home, but I am not hiking. I don’t know what the trail will be like. Your version of an “easy hike” and mine will most certainly be different. It might be raining, it’s the day after “leg day” so I will be too sore, I have too much on my to do list for the weekend- I could come up with EVERY kind of excuse. But, I have pushed myself this far. I have been at this new gym consistently for three months and am seeing results! So this “easy hike” just might be do-able. It might actually be fun. And it might be awful. But most things I thought would be awful have been do-able and sometimes actually enjoyable. Okay, why not?

So I went for a hike with a group of people from the gym. Rattlesnake Ridge in North Bend, WA.  Rated “easy and family-friendly”. Okay, a good place to start. I mean, I have been on a handful of hikes in the past, but I’m not “outdoorsy”. We got there and it was cold. Like low 40’s cold. And damp and muddy. But we started hiking and it was beautiful, so green and completely surrounded by trees. But then, my calves were burning, there was this heat in my chest, and I felt out of breath. I started to wonder why I agreed to this “outing”. But we kept walking, no stopping until we reached the top. I simultaneously thought, “I’m done with this” and “It’ll be worth it once we get to the top”. After an hour, we made it. And it was stunning. Breath-taking in a different way than the journey up. Four friends were already there and the fun began. We all laughed and talked, took pictures, ate snacks, and waited for the rest of the group. Okay, I may have been having a good time… wait, what?! I was having FUN on a hike?! An hour of being in the warm sun, with a crisp breeze, and a gorgeous view- that angst I was feeling may have been worth it. And the hike back down? Easy peasy.

Okay, so I did it. I’m doing it. Eight months of change, challenge, discipline. And crazy transformation. Transformation of my mind, my strength, my body. Not to mention, serious conviction that if I can be disciplined in these areas of my life, I can also be disciplined in reading God’s word and spending time with the Lord! Health and strength in all areas. What a journey it’s been. I write this only to give glory to God for the way He is challenging me to trust Him. To put my identity in Him, not in my abilities or inabilities. To realize the potential of this dwelling place He gave me. To be yet another reminder that I am not perfect, that I will fail, that things will not go my way- but His way, His grace, His goodness is so much greater. I don’t have to be “outdoorsy”. I can be strong, healthy, and choose to go on the “easy hikes” if I want to. This blog was titled “this adventure called life” five years ago. I hope to continue learning about adventure and choosing to participate in it. And thanks to Jesus, I’m learning to participate fearlessly.



planner update

well, i have been working on my planner and wanted to show you all the progress i’ve made :)

it’s coming along- slowly but surely. so far, i’m really happy with it. i am loving the handmade look and feel of the whole thing. drawing in all the lines has been a little tedious, but i knew that was going to be the worst part. creating the rest of it has been really fun! here’s a peek on my june pages:

my lines aren’t perfect, the measurements are uneven. and that was something i had to give up right away… this planner will not be perfect. this planner will not be perfect. i have to keep reminding myself of that. this is a fun project that will be special because of the time and creativity i put into it.

it’s hard to make all the months look different. i’m trying to space out how many pages i “decorate” at once. otherwise, they’ll all look the same!!! there’s not a whole lot to do in a 2 x 7 inch space! but i bought new paper yesterday and i’m really excited to use it! so hopefully the new paper will bring some new inspiration. here’s the july page:

i’m using different colors and different types of pens to write in it. that was one of my “OCD issues” in my last planner. i had a really hard time writing with a blue pen when the majority of my planner was written in black pen. so now i’m using ball point pens, gel pens, markers, and lots of colors! i have to make a confession- i’ve already marked all my internship days in red… my justification- it is the one consistent thing in my week! but i will have you know, i have used the red marker for other things in my planner aside from my internship :)

i know, i have some crazy obsessive issues- i’m trying to break them! i’m sure people that stumble upon this blog, or this post think i’m absolutely crazy. it makes me giggle a little to think about it. oh well! we’ve all got some issues, right?

hope you enjoyed the pictures! let me know what you think :)

ps- i’m having lots of fun with my new mac, can you tell?

summer project #1- planner perfection

i thought i’d let you in on my first summer project… it’s not on my “to do list”, but it’s something that will be a pretty big challenge to me. for those who don’t know, i have a deep, deep love for my planner. i’m very attached to it. and i LOVE writing things in it. it’s 100% ridiculous- this planner only fuels my issues with perfection and control. i can make my planner perfect and i am in control every little detail of it. i use white out, i color coordinate events, i even used the same pen for a while. here’s a glimpse of my pretty planner:

now all that to say- my planner is running out of days and is a bit worn out (hence the staples). and my pretty little piece of perfection will be gone and probably for the best. now this means a new planner is in the works. and this time… i’m creating the entire thing. aside from the actual book, although that’s on my summer to do list, so maybe i should have made it! i started with a plain, spiral-bound sketchbook, no lines, and i am making my new planner. i figured out all the line spacing and have started drawing in the lines. here’s what it’s looking like:

i know that i’m in for a HUGE challenge. filling in all the lines is not going to be fun… but i’m really looking forward to decorating the pages and the different months. this is just the beginning of a long project! and now i have this blog to keep me accountable to finishing. Lord knows i’m great at starting things and never finishing.

so here’s to a new planner and a new project! i’ll keep you posted on how it’s going!

perfectly impurfikt

well, it’s been a while… yet again. i feel like this is the journal that i’ve neglected to write in. but i won’t let those feelings get in the way! despite the lack of blogging in the last month, i am dedicated to this space and am ready to continue writing. so here it goes:

this past weekend, i had the honor and privilege of spending time with a group of women who all had one thing in common. we were perfectly imperfect. it may sound like a nice tagline, but to each of us- stringing those two words together was unheard of. either we were perfect or we were imperfect. it was impossible to be both. we gathered to learn from each other and listen to one another. trying to describe the conversations will not do them any justice, nor am i in a place to share them. but i write to tell you that the conversations during group sessions and one-on-one were real and from the deep parts of the soul. these women are soul sisters that will continue on this journey with me no matter how near or far they may be. if you are a soul sister reading, thank you for simply being who you are- raw and real, beautiful and bold. thank you for showing up to life and facing it’s challenges head on. you are in my heart.

art piece that came from this weekend. it is truly a beautiful mess.

allow me to let you into a glimpse of my journey with perfectionism. i’m not quite sure where it began, but somewhere along the way, i got this idea in my head that i had to be perfect. it did not come from my parents or from my friends. i believe it came from a culture and society that pressured me to be the smartest, the prettiest, and talented at not one, but many things. and of course, these things are nearly impossible. so naturally, i “failed” at all of them. i was not the smartest, not the prettiest, and not talented at a whole lot of things. so i was imperfect. and i didn’t know how to deal with that. i exhausted myself by trying to live up to all these and it’s only by God’s grace that i am alive after it all.

but after 19 years of trying to live in perfection, i began to ask a lot of questions. and over the past two years have slowly began to find some answers. i have come to realize that i will never be perfect. and while that seemed heartbreaking at first, it actually gave me room to breathe. i can now live in freedom and grace. i know that i am absolutely and 100% imperfect and i have never felt better about it. this realization is something i have to choose to live out daily. it is easy to forget and default to perfectionism and control. but it is in moments like that, in which i have learned to pause and take a deep breath… i have learned to accept the emotions and circumstances and failures as they come and learn from them. i know that i can be okay when life feels completely shitty. i have come to a place to start listening to the God within me, searching the truth inside of me, and living that out each day. perfectionism is not my truth. grace is my truth. freedom is my truth. peace and strength are my truth. ultimately, these truths are what i believe God wants for my life. so i am showing up to my life, living in my truth, because i actually believe that i am worth it and i know that i am loved by the Creator of the Universe.

with all that said, i encourage you to face your perfectionism. whether it be with art, with writing, with speaking up to share- be bold. be impurfikt. grab a maker and scribble across a page in your perfect journal, it is beautiful because you created it. write from your heart and know that it is good because it came from your soul. speak up and share what’s on your mind because your voice needs to be heard. i’m learning to show up to my life, will you journey with me and show up to yours?

perfect moments

i love a lot of things in life. but there are three things that i especially love: wine. cooking. and art.

i’m not quite sure where this love for wine came from, maybe it runs in my bishop blood. but there’s something about the rich flavors of a merlot or pinot noir that i just can’t get over. the combination of flavors and that little bite at the end of a sip are simply delicious. it is so relaxing to be able to end a long day with a nice glass of wine. don’t worry mom and dad, this doesn’t happen too often ;). but i’ve been twenty-one for a few months and wanted to make sure that i documented the first bottle of wine i bought. so here it is :)

now on to cooking. this i know for sure– cooking tasty food runs in my blood. my grandma is a wonderful cook, a petite japanese woman who makes the meanest mexican food on the planet. my grandma sally was quite the baker. i hear about all these decadent desserts she used to make and i only dream of her texas sheet cake. and there’s no cookin’ like mom’s home cooking. she makes some of my absolute favorites, something only a mom can do. and my dad. well he’s pretty much a professional chef. he knows just how to spice things up. i think i get my true passion for cooking from him. something therapeutic about cranking up some music, throwing a towel over your shoulder, and cooking up something grand.

and last but definitely not least, there’s art. i think you have started to figure out how much i love art. it’s the idea of creating and expressing (things that i also enjoy about cooking). it’s the involvement of my senses- the sound of ripping paper, seeing the colors and designs of paper, and feeling the textures of the paints. i love looking back through to see just what i’ve created. each page turns out so different than what i expected at the start, but yet somehow it turns into some sort of masterpiece.

i know that my life is far from perfect and i have found it necessary for me to discover what i, alone, enjoy.  i will be, no. i am confident and sure of what i like to do. in how i spend my free time. in what i find enjoyable. there are things in life that i like to do by myself. and that’s okay. i have always been a person that believes i “thrive off others”. don’t get me wrong. i love spending time people, i love learning about others, heck- i just love talking (ask my parents, they’ve got great stories). but i’m also finding joy in spending time alone. this is definitely a new thing for me. but i am learning that being alone is okay. and it’s actually quite refreshing.

learning gives me time to start recognizing and realizing. i have come to realize that while this life and it’s events can be imperfect, perfect moments can be created with what we love. for me, perfect moments are created with red wine, cooking a great meal, and sitting down to do some art. perfect moments can occur with more than just these three things, but spending time alone and doing these things have brought great joy recently. i want to encourage you to find what it is what you enjoy doing by yourself. other people bring refreshment, but how do you refresh your own soul? i hope you take some time and do something that you absolutely love to do. and do it for yourself. for the plain goodness of your soul. create your perfect moment in this crazy, imperfect life and enjoy.