dinosaurs bring hope & God smiles.

i have been in washington for 2 months. i have finished week 7 of my internship. and completed 272 of 600 hours. i have been been with families through numerous pokes, tests and procedures, deaths, ah-ha moments, new diagnoses, and too many success stories to count. the kids and families i have spent time with have left a lasting impact on me. i will forever carry their faces and those tough conversations, in my heart. while trying situations and circumstances are ongoing, i found that i have to focus on supporting the child and family in the present, here and now moments. if i think about the long-term, the future, the prognosis of each child– i will not survive in this field. i have learned to take each day as it comes. because let me tell you, each day brings something new. prognoses take turns for the better, patients are discharged early, and kids that have been lying in bed for days or weeks are smiling, playing, and walking. holding on to hope is key.

the kids truly give me hope. i love that the hospital setting can’t stop them from being kids. on friday, i had a 6-year-old kiddo who attempted to use “the force” to bring his mom’s purse closer to him. i had to try so hard not to pee my pants in laughter and was immediately reminded of this great commercial:

this past week i switched to the outpatient clinics (hematology/oncology, endocrine, GI, neurology, & orthopedic) which is a completely different environment than the hospital. for the most part, the kiddos are feeling better. they come in for a period of time and then get to go home. one of my favorite parts about outpatient is watching the kids interact with each other. they play together- just like “normal” kids do. i have had the honor and pleasure playing with some of them- dinosaurs that fight lions, cities and mountains built from legos, holding baby dolls, magnadoodle drawings, and creating an immaculate road for Hot Wheels. i was lucky enough to meet a stuffed animal bunny named Snow White and was able to do a lab draw on the bunny. in turn, Snow White’s human counterpart felt much more comfortable for her own lab draw after seeing how well the bunny coped.

these are the moments that give me hope. and i am so blessed. each day, i’m reminded that i am exactly where God wants me to be. i sometimes wonder what my experience would have been like at the program i was also accepted at in SoCal. and then i am reminded about the opportunities i’ve had, the people i’ve met, and the perfectly laid out path that God has lead me on over the past 6 years…

decorative windows at the outpatient clinics.

“Behold the One who is beholding you, and smiling.” -Anthony De Mello

i can just imagine God listening to my questions and my doubts, and He is smiling. He has never let me down. He so clearly has a plan for my life. but as I begin to think about the next step in life, i wonder what a real job in the field looks like for me. my humanity forces me to ask questions that sometimes lead to doubt. will i even find a job? will it be here, in Washington? or at home, in California? will i have to wait months before i find one? or will i be lucky enough to find one right away? i don’t have answers to these questions. at least not right now. but God sure does. and i know He is grinning, from ear-to-ear, at the plans that He’s got in store. He smiles as He knows how my tender, worrisome heart gets caught up in planning details, attempting to grasp control of the future. and oh, how He loves us- despite all the questions, doubt, and disbelief.

so today, i choose to rest in His peace and His plan, with His warm smile shining down on me. and i pray the same for you.
amen.