well, it’s been a while… yet again. i feel like this is the journal that i’ve neglected to write in. but i won’t let those feelings get in the way! despite the lack of blogging in the last month, i am dedicated to this space and am ready to continue writing. so here it goes:
this past weekend, i had the honor and privilege of spending time with a group of women who all had one thing in common. we were perfectly imperfect. it may sound like a nice tagline, but to each of us- stringing those two words together was unheard of. either we were perfect or we were imperfect. it was impossible to be both. we gathered to learn from each other and listen to one another. trying to describe the conversations will not do them any justice, nor am i in a place to share them. but i write to tell you that the conversations during group sessions and one-on-one were real and from the deep parts of the soul. these women are soul sisters that will continue on this journey with me no matter how near or far they may be. if you are a soul sister reading, thank you for simply being who you are- raw and real, beautiful and bold. thank you for showing up to life and facing it’s challenges head on. you are in my heart.
allow me to let you into a glimpse of my journey with perfectionism. i’m not quite sure where it began, but somewhere along the way, i got this idea in my head that i had to be perfect. it did not come from my parents or from my friends. i believe it came from a culture and society that pressured me to be the smartest, the prettiest, and talented at not one, but many things. and of course, these things are nearly impossible. so naturally, i “failed” at all of them. i was not the smartest, not the prettiest, and not talented at a whole lot of things. so i was imperfect. and i didn’t know how to deal with that. i exhausted myself by trying to live up to all these and it’s only by God’s grace that i am alive after it all.
but after 19 years of trying to live in perfection, i began to ask a lot of questions. and over the past two years have slowly began to find some answers. i have come to realize that i will never be perfect. and while that seemed heartbreaking at first, it actually gave me room to breathe. i can now live in freedom and grace. i know that i am absolutely and 100% imperfect and i have never felt better about it. this realization is something i have to choose to live out daily. it is easy to forget and default to perfectionism and control. but it is in moments like that, in which i have learned to pause and take a deep breath… i have learned to accept the emotions and circumstances and failures as they come and learn from them. i know that i can be okay when life feels completely shitty. i have come to a place to start listening to the God within me, searching the truth inside of me, and living that out each day. perfectionism is not my truth. grace is my truth. freedom is my truth. peace and strength are my truth. ultimately, these truths are what i believe God wants for my life. so i am showing up to my life, living in my truth, because i actually believe that i am worth it and i know that i am loved by the Creator of the Universe.
with all that said, i encourage you to face your perfectionism. whether it be with art, with writing, with speaking up to share- be bold. be impurfikt. grab a maker and scribble across a page in your perfect journal, it is beautiful because you created it. write from your heart and know that it is good because it came from your soul. speak up and share what’s on your mind because your voice needs to be heard. i’m learning to show up to my life, will you journey with me and show up to yours?