Monthly Archives: April 2010

thoughts on graduation: denial, then reflection, then tears

this month has been so strange… graduating in 10 days and i think i’ve felt every emotion possible.

i’ll be writing a little bit in the next week or so, to try and continue to process all that’s going on in my head. i have done some art journaling through some of this, but it has been mostly journaling. know that in art journaling: your journal is your own. write, paint, tape in pictures, or include all aspects. keep these things in mind and remember that it’s okay to journal in your art journal. the pages that you’ll see in the next week #1- have a whole lot of text and not a whole lot of art,  and #2- have been done along this process of coming to grips with reality… so bare with me :)

so here’s the story: i came back to school after spring break in denial about graduation. i actually stayed at home an extra day because i think i secretly thought i could push reality away if i tried hard enough. well, obviously that wasn’t going to work. so i made the long drive down the I5 alone, which turned out to be great. i listened to my brand new Wicked soundtrack (thanks Mom and Dad- it was one of the most incredible shows i have ever seen), and i found myself bawling my eyes out at the song “for good”. so much so, that i almost pulled the car over to try to pull myself together. but instead, i moved over to the slow lane and took some time to take in the lyrics of the song and let the tears slowly run down my cheeks… feel free to listen below:

all i could think about was the last four years. the incredible friends that i made my first year here, the great friends i have made in the last, and all those in between. people that i have had small encounters with, people that have challenged me, that have taught me, speakers that i have had the honor and pleasure of listening to, the list goes on. i suddenly became quite reflective and very emotional about leaving this place. this place that i came to 4 years ago, knowing only one or two people. this place and these people have been transformational in my life. and in the words of the song above, “who can say if i’ve been changed for the better- i do believe i have been changed for the better. but because i knew you, i have been changed for good…”

created on april 1, 2010

i want to say, “i don’t mean to get all emotional on you…”, but i have to be honest. that’s kinda where i’m at. like i said earlier, i have experienced a whole range of emotions over this thing called graduation- but for now, in this moment (and the moment on the I5) i feel… sad. i know that i will still see many of these friends after graduation. but the whole experience of college is over. and i am so thankful for every person that has been a part of that experience. so from the bottom of my heart dear friends: thank you for being you and for being a part of my life- no matter how great or small. you have made an impression upon my heart and i carry you with me.

more experiences and reflections to come…


perfectly impurfikt

well, it’s been a while… yet again. i feel like this is the journal that i’ve neglected to write in. but i won’t let those feelings get in the way! despite the lack of blogging in the last month, i am dedicated to this space and am ready to continue writing. so here it goes:

this past weekend, i had the honor and privilege of spending time with a group of women who all had one thing in common. we were perfectly imperfect. it may sound like a nice tagline, but to each of us- stringing those two words together was unheard of. either we were perfect or we were imperfect. it was impossible to be both. we gathered to learn from each other and listen to one another. trying to describe the conversations will not do them any justice, nor am i in a place to share them. but i write to tell you that the conversations during group sessions and one-on-one were real and from the deep parts of the soul. these women are soul sisters that will continue on this journey with me no matter how near or far they may be. if you are a soul sister reading, thank you for simply being who you are- raw and real, beautiful and bold. thank you for showing up to life and facing it’s challenges head on. you are in my heart.

art piece that came from this weekend. it is truly a beautiful mess.

allow me to let you into a glimpse of my journey with perfectionism. i’m not quite sure where it began, but somewhere along the way, i got this idea in my head that i had to be perfect. it did not come from my parents or from my friends. i believe it came from a culture and society that pressured me to be the smartest, the prettiest, and talented at not one, but many things. and of course, these things are nearly impossible. so naturally, i “failed” at all of them. i was not the smartest, not the prettiest, and not talented at a whole lot of things. so i was imperfect. and i didn’t know how to deal with that. i exhausted myself by trying to live up to all these and it’s only by God’s grace that i am alive after it all.

but after 19 years of trying to live in perfection, i began to ask a lot of questions. and over the past two years have slowly began to find some answers. i have come to realize that i will never be perfect. and while that seemed heartbreaking at first, it actually gave me room to breathe. i can now live in freedom and grace. i know that i am absolutely and 100% imperfect and i have never felt better about it. this realization is something i have to choose to live out daily. it is easy to forget and default to perfectionism and control. but it is in moments like that, in which i have learned to pause and take a deep breath… i have learned to accept the emotions and circumstances and failures as they come and learn from them. i know that i can be okay when life feels completely shitty. i have come to a place to start listening to the God within me, searching the truth inside of me, and living that out each day. perfectionism is not my truth. grace is my truth. freedom is my truth. peace and strength are my truth. ultimately, these truths are what i believe God wants for my life. so i am showing up to my life, living in my truth, because i actually believe that i am worth it and i know that i am loved by the Creator of the Universe.

with all that said, i encourage you to face your perfectionism. whether it be with art, with writing, with speaking up to share- be bold. be impurfikt. grab a maker and scribble across a page in your perfect journal, it is beautiful because you created it. write from your heart and know that it is good because it came from your soul. speak up and share what’s on your mind because your voice needs to be heard. i’m learning to show up to my life, will you journey with me and show up to yours?